The thought of death, during those nights after my parents had turned out the hallway light, helped me to understand the meaning of the word dread.
There is no escaping that switch, which turns one from a vital being with thoughts, things, connections, friends, into nothing. What happens to those thoughts and connections after the switch has been thrown? Contemplation of the inevitability of a black abyss was accompanied by a stomach-dropping panic.
We were not raised religiously, so I never had an absolute sense of eternal life. I had considered various worldviews and adopted a belief in reincarnation, but when the doctor said “The tests showed you have cancerous cells”, I had to revisit my decision.
Was reincarnation true? Would I take my connections to my loved ones with me? Would I think and remember thinking, or would I turn to dust? Nothingness. Perhaps I would discover the pearly gates with Saint Peter telling me that I wasn’t on that list. I hadn’t believed in life, so the gates were closed to me in death.
My psychologist thought I was unreasonably distressed. I failed to understand how she had been able to go through three rounds of chemotherapy without anyone noticing. She was hard. I was not, and I didn’t want to be. My quantum physicist friend explained the growing scientific evidence for the existence of a soul, shown through experiment and observation as surviving brain death.
Tests following treatment showed I was clear of cancer. I’m still not sure what happens after death, but I can be certain that I am closer to finding out.
Sarah Bonnar 