Friends

Two good friends of mine visited from interstate, and aside from sleeping, we sat on the sofa talking with one another.

If you read “The other” you will have an inkling of why, but I have often believed myself to be a loner. I learned to be happy in my own company, and started to believe that I didn’t need friends.

As a kid, I got good at making friends: I had to be. As we would arrive in a new country at a new school, I would be able to entertain someone for a couple of years, and then would be moved to another place. As an adult, I believed my friendships had a finite term, with me unable to negotiate past the “getting to know you” period.

Letter writing was the only way to stay in touch – international phone calls were too expensive to do regularly and there was no internet. I was a terrible correspondent, got quickly disheartened if my letters weren’t returned immediately, and so lost touch with most of the people I met overseas.

With the invention of  Facebook, although I remain a terrible correspondent, I have found most of my friends again. While they don’t have much idea of what is going on in my life, I know what is happening in theirs, and can reach out through instant messaging.

Facebook brought me back in touch with a best friend I had in school, when I discovered we were again living in the same city. We now live within a 20 minute walk of each other and had a wonderful time catching up and filling in the years, and now we catch up when we can. She inspires me to live a more creative life and I feel lucky to have that connection after so many years.

My friends who visited this past weekend I have known for fifteen years. She has been an influential teacher for me, even as I was teaching her (to dance tango…). This weekend we sat, and looked at each other, and shared what we have been experiencing and thinking and feeling since we last saw each other many months ago. He shared with me his beautiful images from travels, and favourite games and cat memes. It was wonderful to be present with each other and to communicate deeply and with trust.

What it is that makes a person – an encounter, a co-worker, a correspondent – into a friend?

Compatibility, of course, and shared values are important, and trust is critical, but maybe what is important to move relationships from acquaintances to friends, is reciprocity. In every lasting friendship I have, I feel both that I have something to give, and my friend is generous with me to a similar degree.

My friendship circle is not the goal-oriented squad of popular contemporary culture. It is not insta-worthy and doesn’t make a great Facebook post, but I am grateful for my friends, old and new, near and far.